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Sarah's Experience: Discovering A Asexual Identity

A 37-year-old woman: “I’ve not once enjoyed sex. Growing up, I thought broken because people idealized it.”

The only topic that her partner and I have ever differed about is intimacy in our relationship. Upon getting together almost a decade back, physical intimacy was certainly something he wanted more often than I wanted. After about half a year of being together, we opted to try an open relationship so that Cameron could connect with individuals who desire more intimacy than I am.

There were moments of insecurity in the beginning, but our relationship was deepened due to honest talks, and I grew to feel really secure in our partnership. It became a great benefit for us, because I’ve never loved sex. Growing up, I believed broken as others idealized it, but I couldn’t understood the appeal about it.

When I stumbled across a book about asexuality online recently, it was deeply relatable. I was shocked, since at that time I thought of myself as a sexual person – I like to masturbate, and I engaged in a fair amount of sex when I was younger. But I believe I had a lot of that sex since I felt guilty – an effect of my youth in a world that implies it’s necessary to satisfy your partner.

This information taught me was that asexuality is a diverse continuum. To illustrate, I don’t have libido, including towards individuals who I consider attractive. I admire how they look, but I have no desire to have sex with them. But I enjoy having orgasms. In my view, it’s fun and it’s a nice release – a way to clear out all the thoughts mentally.

It felt extremely empowering to reveal to my partner that I identify as asexual. He supports this. We continue to have sex, as I sense deep connection as well as bonding with him at that time, and I am making the conscious decision when I want to be close to him through that act. It isn’t that I have a libido, but there exist different motivations to engage sexually, for example desiring emotional intimacy. I observe his satisfaction, and that gives me pleasure. In the same way that someone who is allosexual can decide to refrain from sex, I am able to choose to engage in intimacy for different purposes than feeling arousal.

His Viewpoint: Love Beyond Physical Intimacy

A 36-year-old man: Simply because sex isn’t a priority doesn’t mean that love is lacking.”

Physical intimacy had been super important to me. It was the source from which I got plenty of my confidence. I had been sick and hospitalized frequently in my youth, so intimacy evolved into a practice that I thought gave me control regarding my physique. That started to shift significantly upon getting to know Sarah, because physical intimacy wasn’t the most important thing for us.

With Sarah, I started to recognize additional merit in different aspects of who I am, and it reduced the importance of sex. I have no desire to engage sexually with other people anymore. Whenever I experience a desire for physical connection, there are alternative methods I can manage it. Solo sex is one, but it can also be a long walk, thinking about my thoughts or engaging in art.

When Sarah discovered her identity, I came to see that attraction is focused on bonding. This can occur during sex, but also through different forms that are just as valuable and satisfying. I previously held a particular notion of the meaning of asexuality – if sex was absent, you didn’t ever have sexual feelings. But it varies widely, and it takes time to understand your place along it.

We have been a couple for several years, and simply because sex isn’t the main focus does not imply that romance isn’t. Making specific time for connection is very important for both of us. Occasionally we buy complex building kits and assemble them in small portions each day, which feels very connecting. Sometimes we plan an evening out and head out for a special beverage and a pizza. We snuggle and set goals for the future, which is an act of love. I get great joy from preparing meals for others, and it leaves me very content in a similar way to satisfied state.

This aspect has just expanded the understanding of what our relationship means. It resembles reducing the resources available to you for your relationship – you have to be more creative using available means. It pushes you to reflect creatively. But it never reduced the affection that I experience for her in any way.