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I'm celebrating three months of being sober and seeking advice on supporting my 11-year-old autistic son. Through rehabilitation and support groups, I've reached this goal, though my alcohol use intensified over the past two years. Before that, I was sober for the initial six years of his life.

The Impact of Past Struggles

In the final stages, my drinking was non-stop, and my son saw me out of control and deeply unhappy. He developed a sense of responsibility, thinking he was the sole person who could stop me from drinking by physically removing bottles. I am utterly ashamed about this. I have often told him that only I can manage my behavior.

He lived with his father for several months—we divorced five years ago, but his father is supportive of my sobriety. He moved back in with me when he started high school in September. Confidence between us is slowly growing as he sees that I am not drinking and putting all my effort into getting better.

Current Difficulties and Feelings

He remains hyper-vigilant and anxious about my safety. This means, he is very restrictive of my actions—partly due to fear about my drinking, but also because he is autistic and anxious about unexpected changes. I am working on confidence and limits; it's tempting to give in to his requests, but that doesn't feel right as a caregiver. It is hard as I also feel enormously guilty.

I referred to Children’s Services while in treatment, and we are waiting for help for my son from local substance abuse support. In the meantime, I feel really at sea about how to communicate with him. I aim not to make him upset, but I also don't want to ignore the previous events. How do we progress?

Professional Advice on Recovery

Young ones require a sense of secure, particularly after chaotic periods when they were uncertain if their parent could protect them secure. They may feel worried about raising these issues now. Children tend to believe things are their responsibility—taking the blame instead of their parents, as the other option feels too threatening. Being autistic can exacerbate these feelings.

Individuals in active addiction frequently make promises they might not be able to fulfill. It can be difficult for family members to know what to believe.

It's not unusual for those in active addiction to make apologies they cannot maintain. As a result, loved ones can find it challenging to trust them. Along with limits, it's really important to be consistent and demonstrate your son that situations have improved, instead of just saying him.

Practical Steps for Dialogue and Support

Focus on him settling in at school and establish a solid routine. Then, introduce the concept that any topic is off the discussion table—if that is indeed the case. Mealtimes can be a good time to talk, as can parallel activities like walking or traveling, since they require minimal eye contact, which individuals find too intense. Maybe there's an hobby you and your son like sharing? Don't think "we must talk," but look for opportunities for conversation and see if they happen. Additionally, consider your son's favored method of expressing himself—it may not be talking; it could be through writing, or a combination of both.

It's essential for him to know that his safe place besides home might be with his father. Try to avoid feeling hurt if he wants to go there sometimes. This isn't a sign you've failed—this is a journey that isn't linear.

Distinguishing Your Needs from His

It's vital to distinguish your needs from your son's. Ensure you're not making him feel better to ease your own guilt—to absolve yourself—because you cannot do that through your son. You'll better focus on what he needs if you have strong assistance yourself.

You are making really well. Keep going.